out

my first night out as a "single" woman

it used to be that I never even paid a second of attention to any other man, because no matter what they said or did there was no way they would ever be able to treat me better or love me more than him



but now, as long as they look me in the eye they are treating me better than he is

worth

during my travels last week, I found myself with the question of:

"was all of the happiness and joy and love that I experienced over the past 9 1/2 years with him worth the pain that I am going through now?"


it has taken me awhile to come up with an answer, but every time it is the same one -


NO

loss

reposted from @ibeandrea's Instagram

signs

I miss him so bad.

But "he" is not "him" anymore. There is nothing when I look in to his eyes.

What once was the most honest, sympathetic, gentle soul filled with integrity and work ethic is now incapable of telling even the most basic truth or following thru on the most mundane statement.

What happened? Where did he go?



And why didn't I notice?

Once

Only broke down once today.

The drugs must finally be starting to work.

25 days

Eight years ago today he had a beautiful ring and a beautiful question for me - he asked me to be his wife.

25 days ago I spoke to his girlfriend.



Today - I am thankful for my family who are supporting me thru this.

I am thankful that I am healthy.
(at least physically - working on the mental & emotional part)



I am thankful I found out sooner rather than later.

sarcasm font needed

after we got back from the honeymoon, I wasn't ready for these to be off the car but he wanted to wash it and get everything off, so I put them on the oven & microwave door to continue the "celebration" -

how F'n ironic, no?

alone again

for the first time in almost ten years, I can say that I am alone

before - I always had him

well, not always - he pursued me.  I didn't want a relationship.  I had made a vow to myself to be single (and love it!) for the rest of my life

and then he came along

we were only seeing each other for a couple of weeks before he said "I love you"

my response?  "I'm not ready to say that yet"

and I wasn't



guess I should have waited another 9 and a half years........

watching, waiting - aniticpating

I get home early and look at the phone.

When we drove separately, I would always get home earlier than him, and he would call and tell me he was on his way, and what we should do for dinner (more like what he was going to cook for dinner).

But I just realized he's not going to call tonight.

He doesn't live here anymore. 



I kicked him out.

Lost dreams

I go to bed crying.

I wake up shaking.


Mornings are the worst - having to think about going thru the entire day without him.
And all I want to do is crawl back under the covers and close my eyes and not face anything about any of this - it's just too horrid.

But when I do sleep I dream of him, of us, together.



Can someone please tell me this isn't real, this is a nightmare; can I please come out of surgery from a car crash, and have him there to tell me this was all imagined?
That it was some freaky Lost episode in my own crazy head?



That's just not gonna happen, is it?

Lawyerd Up

I am going to see a lawyer today.


Still not sure if this is what I am supposed to be doing. 

Wait - of course this is what I am supposed to be doing.  The lying, cheating, SOB doesn't deserve to be married to me, to be married at all.  Even if just for 51 days.  I don't want it to be any more days than it has to be.


But what if there is a chance?  Should I even allow myself to think that?  

This just isn't supposed to be my life.

20 days

I have known for 20 days now, and yes - I still love him.

I want our life back.

But I do not want him back as the person that he is now - a liar, a cheater, a betrayer of trust.

I want back the person that I loved for ten years, that I thought loved me.

The man that gave me butterflies in my stomach every time he walked in to a room.
The man I thought that I had married six weeks ago.

The man that proclaimed marriage vows in front of his family and closest friends.



He is not that man anymore.

He says he has changed - he's not the person I knew.

He's not the person that I loved.



There is no winning in this situation.