out

my first night out as a "single" woman

it used to be that I never even paid a second of attention to any other man, because no matter what they said or did there was no way they would ever be able to treat me better or love me more than him



but now, as long as they look me in the eye they are treating me better than he is

worth

during my travels last week, I found myself with the question of:

"was all of the happiness and joy and love that I experienced over the past 9 1/2 years with him worth the pain that I am going through now?"


it has taken me awhile to come up with an answer, but every time it is the same one -


NO

signs

I miss him so bad.

But "he" is not "him" anymore. There is nothing when I look in to his eyes.

What once was the most honest, sympathetic, gentle soul filled with integrity and work ethic is now incapable of telling even the most basic truth or following thru on the most mundane statement.

What happened? Where did he go?



And why didn't I notice?

watching, waiting - aniticpating

I get home early and look at the phone.

When we drove separately, I would always get home earlier than him, and he would call and tell me he was on his way, and what we should do for dinner (more like what he was going to cook for dinner).

But I just realized he's not going to call tonight.

He doesn't live here anymore. 



I kicked him out.

Lost dreams

I go to bed crying.

I wake up shaking.


Mornings are the worst - having to think about going thru the entire day without him.
And all I want to do is crawl back under the covers and close my eyes and not face anything about any of this - it's just too horrid.

But when I do sleep I dream of him, of us, together.



Can someone please tell me this isn't real, this is a nightmare; can I please come out of surgery from a car crash, and have him there to tell me this was all imagined?
That it was some freaky Lost episode in my own crazy head?



That's just not gonna happen, is it?

20 days

I have known for 20 days now, and yes - I still love him.

I want our life back.

But I do not want him back as the person that he is now - a liar, a cheater, a betrayer of trust.

I want back the person that I loved for ten years, that I thought loved me.

The man that gave me butterflies in my stomach every time he walked in to a room.
The man I thought that I had married six weeks ago.

The man that proclaimed marriage vows in front of his family and closest friends.



He is not that man anymore.

He says he has changed - he's not the person I knew.

He's not the person that I loved.



There is no winning in this situation.